I’m not a very patient person.

I know this. Most of the people around me know this.

It’s a blatantly obvious character flaw that I am working on.

I’m typically fairly gifted at soldiering through the moments that so greatly test my patience; however, no moment so greatly drains my will than Starbucks.

 

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a Starbucks Gold Card member.

I’ve been a registered cardholder for three years and I am mildly honored to have been validated by a java franchise.

Thusly, it can be inferred that when I go in to Starbucks, I know what I want.

Even when I don’t, I still know how to order in a brief, timely manner.

 

I have come to the realization that I am the minority.

So, consider this a PSA in regards to proper coffeehouse behavior.

 

If this is your first time ordering at Starbucks:

Step aside.

Let us show you how it’s done.

Peruse the menu at your leisure, but allow those that know what they are doing to go first.

How can you tell if someone knows what they’re doing? if you’re there in the early morning hours and the person behind or in front of you looks like death and speaks in a barely audible whisper, it probably means that Starbucks coffee is their life fuel, so you need to step aside and allow them to get their needed caffeine fix. If someone has their own cup with them: they mean business, step aside. If you hear audible sighs of blatant frustration from behind you, it means we’re tired of your incompetence, let us get our Caramel Iced Coffee with cream and two pumps of hazelnut, and be on our way.

 

Let me articulate to you my most recent experience:

 

I’m in a hurry.

I just need some tea.

It takes me, approximately, seventeen seconds to complete and pay for my order.

This lovely woman who appears to be in her late fifties enters the store before me.

I just knew by her demeanor that she was a newbie; the glazed over look in her eye, the sheer panic on her face while looking at the menu, the polite kind tone with which she spoke to the cashier all said: “Hi. I don’t know what I’m doing, but allow me to take twenty minutes of your time before I order a hot chocolate.”

Unfortunately there was a person in front of her, extending my waiting time by at least forty seconds. In this forty seconds, the woman apparently saw me to be someone who had the appearance of coffee knowledge and proceeded to inquire about the differences in certain beverages.

Lady.

If I knew what was in this stuff, I wouldn’t be here. I’d make it at home…maybe. Probably not.

But still. I’m on the same side of the counter as you. Pick a drink and an Italian word and let’s move along.

This dear woman took, roughly, four minutes to order her beverage, which may not seem that long, but when the average patron’s order takes a full thirty-seven seconds, four minutes is astronomical.

 

“Oh…so the vanilla stuff is extra? Never mind. Well how much extra? Oh that’s not that much, go ahead. Do you recommend the vanilla or the maaaashhheeeuuhhhtoo? Is that how you pronounce it?”

 

If I didn’t need tea so bad I would have left. But I didn’t. I just stood there behind this woman, mentally playing over all the scenarios in which I hit her with the nearest tumbler I can get my hands on or dump blonde roast coffee grounds all over her perfectly back-combed hair.

 

Another issue that should be addressed that isn’t even necessarily Starbucks exclusive:

If there is someone behind you in line checking out at the grocery store and they have three items while you’re an extreme coupon-er, allow them to go first. In the same regard, if you are a soccer mom with eight children under your care with an order that will consist of an innumerable amount of cake pops, scones, and Frappuccinos and there is only ONE young woman behind you: step aside.

I want an iced coffee, you want to caffeinate a group of elementary school students, let’s prioritize here.

Whereas I stood patiently and waited for the first woman, I was in a hurry and was not about to wait for this chica and her screeching, sniffling children to order. So I ever so politely said:

 

“Excuse me, ma’am, I’m in a bit of a hurry, I just have one drink I’m ordering, do you mind if I briefly order before you?” (Internally, the script was more like: Yo, lady, imma need this tea ASAP, so I’m just gonna step in front of you and your inconsiderate attitude).

 

Her response:

 

“Well, we did get here first…(insert condescending smile), so, yes I do mind.”

...I cannot articulate the seething anger I felt well up within me at the inconsideration of this slab of humanity before me.

But. I needed tea. So I stood behind her. And waited. All the while, praying that the barista would spit in her drink.

 

So. To recap:

If this is your first time: allow others to go before you. Their website lists all of their beverages and available options. Consult that before you ask the person behind you in line or exhaust the poor guy behind the counter.

If you are ordering multiple drinks and someone POLITELY asks if they could go in front of you: turn down the sass and step aside!

 

Fairfarren, Dear Ones.